Wondering weather to worry?

Swine flu has been a damp squib, so I expect you're all wondering what on earth you can worry about now. Well, wipe that smile off your face and suppress that spring in your step, for you can now rest uneasily knowing that there's something else to give you cause for concern and the opportunity to take preventative measures...

It's going to be a hot summer!

Yes, that's right. The Met Office have said that it's too early to tell, but it's likely that this summer will be warmer than the last two. (I think that this winter has been mostly warmer than the last two summers, but I might be wrong about that - I'm not using scientific data, just guesswork, which seems to be an acceptable practice...). So apparently we're now using the law of averages to predict the weather.

Anyway, you can rest assured (but don't; you shouldn't rest when there are preventative measures to be taken) that the Government has taken steps to ensure that we are well-informed about how to stay cool and safe when the temperature soars. The Department of Health has published its Heatwave Plan to help us understand what we should do if we get a bit hot. And there's quite a lot of work involved, so we'd better start now:-

1. Paint external walls with pale, reflective paint. I'm not sure what the council will think when I do this, but as I'm following Government guidelines, it should be OK. In fact, covering the walls with mirrors would be even more effective, surely.

2. Replace metal blinds and dark curtains with something paler and more reflective. More mirrors will do the trick...

3. Grow trees and leafy plants near windows to act as natural air-conditioners. Why not? I can't see out anyway with all those mirrors over my windows. I'd better do that soon, trees can take a long time to grow. I'll definitely have to do it before the hosepipe ban, anyway...

4. Turn off non-essential lights and electrical equipment - they generate heat. For a start, I'm turning everything off anyway, to reduce my carbon footprint. Standby lights are a big no-no. But they don't mention gas fires. Do they generate heat? Should I turn off my central heating? It doesn't say...

5. Insulate your loft and cavity walls. I have cavity walls, but I don't have a loft. Should I get one? I'm not sure where I'll put it... Perhaps I'll just ask my upstairs neighbours to put down thick carpets...

6. Keep a thermometer in your living room and bedroom to check how hot it is. When you're hot, it's important to know exactly how hot. Comparing the temperature in two rooms will enable you to establish how hot it is in different parts of your house. This will give you twice as much to talk about when this is all over and you can come out of your house and start socialising again.

So, you've got your home ready. Now make sure you're fully versed on how to keep yourself cool when THE HEATWAVE hits:-

1. Stay out of the heat. You've done a lot of work to keep your home cool - use it! Do not go outside and enjoy the weather - stay in the dark.

2. Avoid extreme physical exertion. Because it can make you hot.

3. Wear light clothes. Heavy, dark clothes are designed to keep you warm. In a HEATWAVE, the sun will do that for you. However, nudity is frowned upon in many public spaces - though you'll be in your dark, cool home, so you can be as naked as you like...

4. Have plenty of cold drinks. Cold drinks are less hot than hot drinks.

5. Eat cold foods. Cold foods are less hot than hot foods.

6. Take a cool shower. A cool shower, not a hot one.

7. Sprinkle water over the skin or clothing. It doesn't say what temperature the water should be. I'm going with cold, or cool is probably OK too.

Good. I think we're as prepared as we can be. We'll just need to hunker down when THE HEATWAVE arrives.

Of course, if the Department of Health generated a little less hot air, we might be better off by a degree or two...

Incidentally, I know that particularly hot summers see an increase in deaths from heart and cardiovascular illnesses (and also murders and suicides, apparently), and other heat-related illnesses aren't funny, but I'm not sure that a 39-page document (and its associated documents) is going to make any difference.