I'm not going to whine about flu

I've had flu this week. Proper flu. It started as a bad cold. I wasn't going to call it flu. My sinuses were blocked and I felt rubbish, but it was just a cold, and it didn't stop me going to see Walking With Dinosaurs on Monday at Wembley Arena.

And by the time I got home I was feeling grotty (like you do with a stinking cold), but it was just a bad cold and I went to bed a little bit earlier than normal...

...and I had a terrible night. Headache, pain, sore throat, cough, misery. I couldn't get out of bed in the morning, but I still wasn't calling it flu. Oh no. I slept all day and had a high temperature. My eyes hurt, my head hurt, my knees, elbows and toes hurt. OK, I gave in. It was flu. I stayed in bed. I drank plenty of water and took ibuprofen when I couldn't bear the pain any longer. I read a lot. I slept a lot. Mum and Dad brought milk and took Thomas.

But I'm not whining...

By yesterday afternoon I was out of bed, on the sofa and watching TV nonsense. Still 'glowing' and wobbly, with a cough that would usually take a 20-a-day habit to develop, but finally starting to feel better.

So I thought I'd visit the NHS National Pan(ic)demic Flu Service website and see what my symptoms indicated. Could I register myself as an official Swine Flu statistic?

Firstly they check that you're not about to expire. Floppy and unresponsive? No. Having a fit? No. Going blue? No.

All good... So now a quick meningitis check. No rash, no stiff neck. Good.

Am I pregnant? No. Am I undergoing treatment for renal failure? No. Good.

So now we can check that I have flu. If you're interested, you have to have a high temperature. No high temperature, no flu. Then there's a list of your standard symptoms. You have to have at least two of those (plus your high temperature, of course...). Headache, blocked or runny nose, aching muscles, sore throat, etc. (So far I'm passing this test with flying colours - I've got nearly all the symptoms...) OK, so I give them my name and address and then get another list of symptoms. (I should warn you that I'm going to mention phlegm...)

Sharp or stabbing chest pains? Glad I haven't got them. Difficulty breathing so that I am unable to finish a sentence? Well, I'm slightly wheezy and breathless when I move, but I am managing to hold a conversation. Uncharacteristic changes in behaviour such as drowsiness, new confusion or signs of terror? Well, I'm tired but not drowsy, confused by what day it is but that's nothing new for a bank holiday week, and I wince slightly every time I see the state of the kitchen. (So far these symptoms seem like something I'd worry about and I'm glad I don't have them.) Next: thick yellow, green, brown or bloody phlegm. Right, well, my head and lungs are full of the stuff and I confess I looked and saw that it was slightly greenish yellow. You know, just like when you have a cold. So there's just one box to cover a yes or no for any of these symptoms. And I have one of them, so I check 'yes'.

And I'm told to call my GP immediately and send my flu friend to collect my Tamiflu from the nearest collection centre using my authorisation code. OK... Well, I don't really want to bother my GP with my phlegm so I decide to try again, not mentioning my phlegm. But now I've navigated away from the page with my Tamiflu authorisation code (which I didn't write down) and I can't get it back, except possibly by phoning someone, which I don't want to do because I'm not ill enough to tie up someone's time when there might be someone who really needs help. Fortunately I'm starting to feel better and I don't want to risk the side effects of Tamiflu, plus I've stayed at home and have no reason to leave until I'm feeling better.

So I've decided not to act on the advice of the National Pan(ic)demic Flu service. Am I wrong? I get irritated by people who ignore advice and then complain about the consequences, but that's when they're also ignoring common sense (going to busy doctors' surgeries when they've got flu, or calling ambulances).

Anyway, I'm a bit disappointed that I didn't get a definitive Swine Flu diagnosis - I was hoping for at least a certificate...