Danger UXC

I'm cooking some chicken in the pressure cooker. It still scares me. I double check the valve, the seal, put in more water than the instructions tell me, seal it up, check it again, turn it on. 

Beep, beep, beep. What's wrong? No error on the display. It seems to be doing its thing. Lid's on tight. Beep, beep, beep. Scared to touch it. Is it about to explode? What do I do? 

Beep, beep, beep. 

It's the washing machine. The washing's done.

Stuff and nonsense

There's so much stuff, isn't there? I've moved into my Mum's house and have been sorting out stuff for the best part of a year. I moved a lot of my stuff in, but not all of it yet. I've got rid of a lot of stuff, but there's still plenty to tackle. It feels like at least two carloads have gone to the charity shop. A bunch of stuff went up into the loft for car-booting. We did a car boot sale last weekend, and came home with probably less than a third of what we took. What's left has gone back up in the loft for next time. I've had boxes from home that needed unpacking (mostly books) so I bought a big bookshelf and assembled it. All my books went on it. Good. I've sorted a lifetime's worth of paperwork into two boxes of files, and filled to the brim an enormous bag for shredding. Nice. Hang on though. There's another box in another corner, full of stuff. And, wait a minute. What's behind that chair? A box? Full of stuff?

I'm trying not to think about the sheds, the cupboards, the wardrobes... Stuff it!

One Year

It's been a year

A year and one day since I last saw you breathe

A year and two days since you last really looked at me

A year and three days since we shared coffee and Maltesers

A year and some days since we had a laugh together

A year and some weeks since you left me speechless by opening your eyes

A year and some weeks since we thought we'd lost you and had to just wait

A year and some weeks since late night phone calls and helplessness

A year and some weeks since you told me you were scared and I said it would be OK.

A year.

Many years, many months, many weeks, many days

Of joy and grief, of pain and comfort, of laughter and love.

So much laughter and love. 

Thank you. 

Where was I?

A lot has happened since I last blogged in earnest. A ridiculous amount, in fact. Much of it, I don't want to write about on a public forum (so I won't - if you want details you'll have to take me away somewhere nice for a long weekend. By the sea would be lovely.).

Which makes me wonder what I will write about. I never worried about that before, when blogging was a regular hobby, I'd write about whatever popped into my head. (Look back on old posts, and that will be obvious...) Now I'm feeling that what I say needs to be weighty and important. That I should have some great wisdom to impart. So, step one on new blogging journey: write often and any old tosh will do. Some snippets may come with a side of gravitas, but the writing is the thing. Make it so, number one. 

I am at a crossroads. Sort of. I'm looking for something, but I don't know what it is. It might not even be lost. I might find it via some kind of creative outlet, hence the writing. I'm also taking art lessons (have you seen my pear...?*), and am about to start learning to play the piano. All of these things might be distractions, but they might also just be "this is what I do now". 

Feel free to join me on this journey of self- discovery (yuck!). Or, I hope you like at least some of the stuff I write. 

*This is my pear - I'm dead proud of it...

Resurrect the blog

Resurrect the blog.

That's what I'm thinking. 

All the thoughts in my head, falling over each other, there are so many.

Need to be said, written, published, articulated.

So many thoughts.

Ideas.

Wishes. 

Dreams.

Aspirations.

I'm looking for a creative outlet.

A platform.

A voice.

Connections.

Reassurances. 

Validation.

Fulfilment.

This feels like a new chapter.

Or is it just a new paragraph?

Perhaps it's a new book.

What about the old? 

What about closure?

Moving on.

Moving forward.

Moving up.

Letting go.

Not letting go.

Making peace.

Comments to make.

Stories to tell.

Wisdom to impart.

Healing to do.

Demons to confront.

Grief.

Anger.

Fear.

Resurrect the blog.

That's what I'm thinking.

Bye, Dad.

The end. A beginning. Bye, Dad.

I knew a time when the world was young, when every day was a new beginning and every morning was filled with a radiance and a freshness. As if overnight the fields and the trees had been laundered and sprinkled with a sparkling of dew to await the rising of the sun which would burst the tiny droplets and release their fragrances into the morning air. There was wonder and curiosity, and quite often a catching of the breath. A sense that something was about to happen. There was no sense of time, for time was a thing belonging to a later world, a grown up world. Today was today, there had been no yesterday and tomorrow was a million years away. Today was the day the world began.

I Wrote Him A Letter

All the time people asked I'd say,
"He's the same", and I'd smile, like it's fine.
But I'd think,
"Don't ask. Stop asking. Stop asking."

Now people don't ask.
And I think,
"Why aren't you asking? Why don't you ask?"

All the times I thought,
"I just wish things were normal. Why can't things be normal?"

Now this is normal.
And I think,
"This isn't the normal I was looking for."

I wrote him a letter that he won't read.
It's just for him.
It will go unread. But not unsaid.