Catalogue of disaster

I'm overstating it, of course. And my plight doesn't nearly compare with all those poor folks who've been affected by the flooding over the last couple of weeks. But, really... There comes a point when I have to wonder if some kind of divine retribution is at work here. And clever retribution it would be too. A long list of minor inconveniences, one on top of the other, at a time when other people, not too far away, are experience major inconveniences, so complaining is churlish.

But I'm going to be churlish, because I feel like it. I'm grumpy, OK? And here's why: the last couple of weeks have gone like this...

1. My satellite TV card decided to disable itself. These things happen with Sky TV and, after phone them twice and going through the usual call centre rigmarole (press 1 for annoying message telling you that weather affects your reception; press 2 for 12 more options; etc.), I received a new card in the post and everything was back to normal.

then...

2. My broadband stopped working. Nothing I did would bring it back to life, so I thought we'd all sleep on it. No better. I unplugged everything, plugged it back in again. Nothing. I waited another day, unable to face the BT call centre rigmarole so soon after Sky. Just in case, I unplugged it all again, plugged it all back in and it worked. Hurrah!

then...

3. My water tank began to overflow. No big drama - it has an overflow pipe for this very reason. But the dripping is annoying, plus water wastage in the current climate is clearly unacceptable. And if it goes on too long I get white streaks down the wall. So my Dad offered to come and fix it for me. New washer. Bob's your uncle.

then...

4. My oven stopped working. It tripped the fusebox, and now the fan blows and the light comes on, but there's no heat. And heat's important in an oven. My cooker has a top oven, so I can use that. And all the other bits of it work. But it's not an old cooker and it's going to be hassle to get someone to fix it. Plus it might still have a warranty, but I need to look through all my unfiled paperwork to check.

then...

5. My phone line went dead. I went away last weekend and when I came home the phone was completely dead. Dead. I went online to report it (at work because, of course, without my phone line - no broadband...) but you can't just report a fault these days. Oh no! I had to check that it wasn't my equipment that caused the problem. If it was, and they sent an engineer, they would charge me a squillion pounds and I'd no doubt get a stern dressing down from a grumpy engineer. So they really don't let you report the fault until you've gone through a number of hoops to check that there really is a fault with their line. And, of course, I was scared to fib and pretend I'd jumped through said hoops, because an engineer would be quick to spot un-jumped-through hoops. Oh yes. So, I tested a variety of phones. Plugged things in, unplugged them, removed sockets to reveal secret other sockets, etc. And the line was still just as dead. Dead. So I phoned BT, went through the rigmarole, was told my call was important to them and they would be with me as soon as possible but I could ring back on Sunday if I liked (I didn't), told the nice lady my line was dead, the nice lady told me to do all the things I'd already done (and clearly didn't quite believe that I'd done them), so she booked an engineer to visit 2 days later. Which he did. And he fixed the line - their line, not mine, so no squillion pound bill, thank you very much. Phew!

But then...

6. My TV stopped working. Well, not the TV itself, but the reception. All of it. Analogue, digital, terrestrial, satellite, ethereal, everything. My neighbour had the same problem. Clearly the communal aerial/digital/dish thing had a fault. I ring the council. They deny all knowledge of a communcal aerial/digital/dish thing on the building (that they had put up just a couple of months ago) and suggested I ring Sky. I politely and calmly explained that all the TV wasn't working and that the aerial/etc thing was the council's responsibility. The man at the council who did know all about that kind of thing was out until the following morning, so my current man promised to send him an email so he could deal with it and call me back. He didn't. I called them and was told it had been reported to the contractors who would come and fix it "whenever they get round to it". That's an actual quote - "Whenever they get round to it". They haven't done it yet, so I've been 3 days without TV. That's about the same amount of time that people in Gloucester have been without running water, but at least they've been told when they might get it back.

Sigh...

7. No TV reception means I have to find other ways to entertain myself - like they did in the old days. I know! I'll watch the Capote DVD that I specially signed up to Amazon DVD rental for. Perfect. Nice cup of tea and a couple of biscuits. Start film. "Unable to read disc." No, silly, obviously you can read the disc... There you are! Scene 1. Scene 2. Scene 4. Scene 7. "Unable to read disc."

AARGH!

8., etc. My clock has stopped - it needs a new teeny tiny, can't buy it in the shops, battery. Of course it does. The blind in my kitchen has come down. I just need to find my staple gun to fix it. I don't know where my staple gun is. My candle lighter is out of gas. My gas is out of gas. I need to buy a new can of gas.

All of these simple things are now beyond me, as I have lost the will to do everyday chores. Just one more thing is likely to push me over the edge. It could be a blown light bulb or some spilt milk. Anything. I'm going on holiday on Saturday and, by golly, I need it. I just hope I don't break Wales...

If you're still with me, I thank you for your fortitude and hope that this post finds you with only trivial irritants and no real disasters to upset you.