Wondering weather to worry?

Swine flu has been a damp squib, so I expect you're all wondering what on earth you can worry about now. Well, wipe that smile off your face and suppress that spring in your step, for you can now rest uneasily knowing that there's something else to give you cause for concern and the opportunity to take preventative measures...

It's going to be a hot summer!

Yes, that's right. The Met Office have said that it's too early to tell, but it's likely that this summer will be warmer than the last two. (I think that this winter has been mostly warmer than the last two summers, but I might be wrong about that - I'm not using scientific data, just guesswork, which seems to be an acceptable practice...). So apparently we're now using the law of averages to predict the weather.

Anyway, you can rest assured (but don't; you shouldn't rest when there are preventative measures to be taken) that the Government has taken steps to ensure that we are well-informed about how to stay cool and safe when the temperature soars. The Department of Health has published its Heatwave Plan to help us understand what we should do if we get a bit hot. And there's quite a lot of work involved, so we'd better start now:-

1. Paint external walls with pale, reflective paint. I'm not sure what the council will think when I do this, but as I'm following Government guidelines, it should be OK. In fact, covering the walls with mirrors would be even more effective, surely.

2. Replace metal blinds and dark curtains with something paler and more reflective. More mirrors will do the trick...

3. Grow trees and leafy plants near windows to act as natural air-conditioners. Why not? I can't see out anyway with all those mirrors over my windows. I'd better do that soon, trees can take a long time to grow. I'll definitely have to do it before the hosepipe ban, anyway...

4. Turn off non-essential lights and electrical equipment - they generate heat. For a start, I'm turning everything off anyway, to reduce my carbon footprint. Standby lights are a big no-no. But they don't mention gas fires. Do they generate heat? Should I turn off my central heating? It doesn't say...

5. Insulate your loft and cavity walls. I have cavity walls, but I don't have a loft. Should I get one? I'm not sure where I'll put it... Perhaps I'll just ask my upstairs neighbours to put down thick carpets...

6. Keep a thermometer in your living room and bedroom to check how hot it is. When you're hot, it's important to know exactly how hot. Comparing the temperature in two rooms will enable you to establish how hot it is in different parts of your house. This will give you twice as much to talk about when this is all over and you can come out of your house and start socialising again.

So, you've got your home ready. Now make sure you're fully versed on how to keep yourself cool when THE HEATWAVE hits:-

1. Stay out of the heat. You've done a lot of work to keep your home cool - use it! Do not go outside and enjoy the weather - stay in the dark.

2. Avoid extreme physical exertion. Because it can make you hot.

3. Wear light clothes. Heavy, dark clothes are designed to keep you warm. In a HEATWAVE, the sun will do that for you. However, nudity is frowned upon in many public spaces - though you'll be in your dark, cool home, so you can be as naked as you like...

4. Have plenty of cold drinks. Cold drinks are less hot than hot drinks.

5. Eat cold foods. Cold foods are less hot than hot foods.

6. Take a cool shower. A cool shower, not a hot one.

7. Sprinkle water over the skin or clothing. It doesn't say what temperature the water should be. I'm going with cold, or cool is probably OK too.

Good. I think we're as prepared as we can be. We'll just need to hunker down when THE HEATWAVE arrives.

Of course, if the Department of Health generated a little less hot air, we might be better off by a degree or two...

Incidentally, I know that particularly hot summers see an increase in deaths from heart and cardiovascular illnesses (and also murders and suicides, apparently), and other heat-related illnesses aren't funny, but I'm not sure that a 39-page document (and its associated documents) is going to make any difference.

Fully booked

For the first time since I joined the library, I managed to borrow the correct number/size of books to last me exactly the three weeks lending time. I finished the last one last night and they're due back tomorrow, so that's not bad going - just one bookless night to get through...

Unfortunately, it wasn't the best selection. There was a lot of variety, but none of them gripped me. Getting to the end felt like a chore, rather than a pleasure. Better luck next time, hopefully.

However, don't let me put you off...

The Necropolis Railway by Andrew Martin

The story is set in 1903 and centres around the rail line between London Waterloo and Brookwood Cemetery. Jim Stringer aspires to drive steam engines, but he has to work his way up through the ranks, in an atmosphere of mistrust and hostility. Strange things are going on, but can Jim get to the bottom of the mysteries before he becomes the next 'victim'?

It's all very promising, but somehow the story left me cold. I didn't care about the mystery, and the narrative was hard going (possibly because it was so 'atmospheric' and I missed the point). This book came highly recommended by the librarian, so maybe it was just me, but I'm unlikely to be rushing to find the next Jim Stringer mystery.

The Case of the Missing Books by Ian Sansom

Another first in a series - the Mobile Library - in which we meet Israel Armstrong, a hapless librarian, moving to Ireland to start a new life and run a branch library. Except he arrives to find the library closed, no-one to meet him and, by various misadventures, he loses all his money and clothes.

By an unlikely set of circumstances, Israel is forced to resurrect the local mobile library, live in a chicken coop and generally be abused by almost everyone he meets. It felt like this was trying to be Wilt, by Tom Sharpe. But it really didn't work - the situations were so ludicrous and so unlikely that I had no sympathy for our 'hero' and couldn't care less whether he triumphed through adversity or not. Hmm...

Compulsion by Jonathan Kellerman

Compulsion is an Alex Delaware novel. If you're not familiar with the series, Delaware is a child psychologist in LA who works with the police department on cases involving children, usually getting more involved than you imagine is likely in real life. However, I've always found these novels to be a good read, with a familiar set of characters who we've got to know over the years.

This is not the best of the series, though. Delaware seems to just be along for the ride when his friend, Lieutenant Sturgis, begins investigating some previously unconnected murders involving expensive cars. With no children involved, it seems odd that Delaware gets to go off investigating all by himself, but we can suspend disbelief for a good detective story, can't we? Well, only just, because it's a bit of a thin story. However, it wasn't a chore to finish (unlike my previous two!).

The Marriage Bureau for Rich People by Farahad Zama

I managed (more by luck than judgement) to keep the best for last. The Marriage Bureau for Rich People is about exactly that - a marriage bureau in India, set up by retired Mr Ali for something to occupy him and keep him out from under his wife's feet. It's a charming read, and reminded me of the first No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency book, with the stories of the bureau's clients, and descriptions of the life and culture of India. The writing style was quite simplistic, and sometimes clumsy when trying to explain things, but it was an enjoyable read nonetheless. I actually cared about the characters, for the first time in 4 books!

So, I'm back at the library tomorrow for my next batch. Hopefully my hit rate will be better...